This week was one of the worst weeks of my life. I discovered I had an early miscarriage and have alternated between crying uncontrollably to having complete anxiety meltdowns. At first, I didn’t want to write this post, I wanted my blog to be full of encouragement and I find that sometimes reading negative posts can bring someone down. However, I am sure every mental illness patient will know, there are many days when this road seems almost impossible. Plus, have anxiety, like life, is a journey and the journey is rarely ever smooth.
My first reaction was why would God be so cruel to give a person with mental illness a miscarriage? This was too much. Then, I went through a phase of asking myself if people with mental illness should a even try pursuing a “normal life” (whatever that truly means)? Should we fall in love? Should we get married? Should we get pregnant? Then, the hard hitting questions seem to befall me. Should I even have a baby and possibly past on my mental illness to my baby? Am I being selfish?
I called my doctor and said “Am I over my head? Whereby, he replied that I should just go take some long walks before I decided anything.
It has been a week now and I have calmed down a bit. I can’t say I have figured it all out. Although, there is one thing that has become more clear. There is no way that love for someone could solely be based on if they are healthy or not. Most importantly, in the wedding vows, it does say in “sickness and health.” Children though? I don’t know. My partner says that if you don’t have children due to your mental illness than you have given in to the illness. Then, my doctor said that there are many people who don’t have children who are totally inadequate parents. Of course, at the end of the day, this is a personal decision and I don’t hope to cause any controversy.
All I know right now is that I open my eyes and the sun is out and I still have to get up and continue to walk this journey called life. If it is true that everything is fated, there isn’t much else I can do except continue breathing and living.