18. The Highs and Lows are a Part of It

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That helpless feeling. The darkness and panic. It comes to haunt me once in a while. For the most part, I have been managing my anxiety quite well the last few years. However, I have come to realize that with a chronic illness, like anxiety, it comes in ebbs and flows. Sometimes you feel so good, it feels you have completely recovered. Then, you hit a low spot and you think that life can never be beautiful again. Instead of feeling deceived by that feeling of recovery, I have come to realize both these feelings are a part of it. It will happen to me at random times too. Everything will seem fine and then suddenly I will be blindsided with a wave of sadness for no reason. Then, I start finding it hard to breathe because I get scared that it has returned.

I guess this is an issue that anyone with a chronic illness has to deal with, which is accepting the death of their life before the illness. Being able to accept that it will be with you for the rest of your life and making peace with that. It is not easy. It took me some time to accept my diagnosis and not resent it. After I did though, I learned that not everything in my “previous” life is gone, it is just reinterpreted alongside my mental illness. It might not be what I dreamt of initially form myself, but it is the life I lead, and there have been amazing moments in my life due to my mental illness that I never could have dreamt up for the life of me.

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17. Life is Like a Rollercoaster

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Sometimes, you never know when an “aha moment” will happen or when a moment will bring some solace to your soul. Last week, I was listening to one of my husband’s friends talk about his divorce. It is obviously a devastating and sad thing to go through, especially since he had children. I realize it can be a very challenging time in someone’s life, but it also made me think about how life can be quite unpredictable. To him, it might be a down time in his life, but maybe if he stepped back and looked at the big picture in the future, it might be just a small ripple in his life’s timeline.

We always hear that life is like a roller coaster. There are ups and downs. However, no one can fortune-tell what ups and downs they will encounter in the future. So even if you feel like you are hitting a major down in your life, you might actually be on the path to a super high time in your life. You just don’t know it at the time. I find this thought super comforting somehow. There is always hope and sometimes the downturns in your life can be just a break to let you reroute for amazing things to come. And maybe the dips are what make you stronger so you can make the next climb easier. Although, once in a while, it would also be nice to go on a train instead and enjoy the scenery.