That helpless feeling. The darkness and panic. It comes to haunt me once in a while. For the most part, I have been managing my anxiety quite well the last few years. However, I have come to realize that with a chronic illness, like anxiety, it comes in ebbs and flows. Sometimes you feel so good, it feels you have completely recovered. Then, you hit a low spot and you think that life can never be beautiful again. Instead of feeling deceived by that feeling of recovery, I have come to realize both these feelings are a part of it. It will happen to me at random times too. Everything will seem fine and then suddenly I will be blindsided with a wave of sadness for no reason. Then, I start finding it hard to breathe because I get scared that it has returned.
I guess this is an issue that anyone with a chronic illness has to deal with, which is accepting the death of their life before the illness. Being able to accept that it will be with you for the rest of your life and making peace with that. It is not easy. It took me some time to accept my diagnosis and not resent it. After I did though, I learned that not everything in my “previous” life is gone, it is just reinterpreted alongside my mental illness. It might not be what I dreamt of initially form myself, but it is the life I lead, and there have been amazing moments in my life due to my mental illness that I never could have dreamt up for the life of me.