For me, going to the doctor brings on the worst anxiety. I have had to take anti-anxiety medication in the waiting room and have even cried through entire appointments. Like anyone with a chronic illness, there are some days where I wonder what it would be like not have anxiety. What it would be like to be a “normal” person? I especially feel this when I see people calmly sitting in the waiting room or people who can say “if there is something wrong, it is better to find out earlier and fix it.” It would be so amazing if I could sit in that waiting room with acceptance and positivity about what was going to happen next.
Of course, till this day, it is not anything like that. Mostly, it is me trying to convince myself that I don’t have cancer or some terminal illness. Then, I clasp and unclasp my hands like a million times, feel like I am going to throw up any minute, and can’t even sit still in my chair. Even though, all logical reasoning points to the fact that I will unlikely die, I will somehow convince myself that I will be that 1% exception that will. That is how anxiety works because you end up being fixated on the unlikely. It is frustrating and completely illogical. I’m still working on it, and I don’t know if I will ever enter a doctor’s office with zero anxiety. However, I realize I can’t just enter a medical institution when I finally have to go to the emergency, so the battle continues.